mental health men

The journey

So first day of taking my tablets one thing everyone needs to realise is there is no quick fix it can take week,months or even years when you finally get your head around that everything else becomes a lot easier.

Things don’t change overnight and that took me a while to realise part of me thought take my tablets and I’ll be fine straight away that’s not the case unfortunately, luckily I had an amazing support network that makes things alot easier.

Tuesday morning came and I had a phone call from a charity in Oxfordshire called healthy minds the doctor apparently mentioned them to me during our appointment but my head was in such a muddle (it’s like a tumble drying going round and round and all you thoughts and feelings are jumping around in there) I didn’t hear or remember her mention them you can self refer for people local to me its definitely worth giving them a call. Luckily the doctor had referred me, I spent about an hour on the phone to them going over what was happening and how I was feeling we put a plan in place if things got worse (luckily that time they didn’t) and some coping mechanisms for day to day feelings they arranged a return call for a few days to see how I was.

The next couple of days went without a hitch I was signed of work which to be honest was a god send it gave me time to sit down and have a serious look at myself, my life, my feelings and my job.

They say there’s a trigger sometimes there isn’t and I have recently found this out, luckily this time there was and it was now obvious my trigger was work again this is another step to understanding what’s going on

I didn’t like my job I didn’t want to do my job and I only took the job as me and my ex wife were buying a local property and I needed a full time job not a casual one the main issue is we all need to work so I was stuck what do I do? The first thing I did is speak to my support network for those who think they maybe suffering from mental health issues USE YOUR SUPPORT NETWORK they are priceless and secondly your health is much more important than work.

1st steps to understanding

Firstly thank you for reading my previous two blogs I hope it helps someone or shine some light on mental health.

After the longest weekend of my life trying my hardest to understand what was happening to me I finally gave in and took advice from my parents and my ex wife and got a doctors appointment for Monday (remember when you could get a same day appointments) still not thinking I needed to see a doctor I decided to do it to keep everyone else happy and stop them moaning at me, but they weren’t moaning they were worried and concerned, I was still feeling no better sat in the waiting room for what felt like a life time finally my name was called walked into the doctors room and immediately burst into tears not being able to speak or explain how I was feeling luckily for me my ex wife was there to guide me and help with the enormous pressure that was involved in this process, after a while I managed to calm myself enough to try to explain what was going on inside my head.

WOW how good it felt to open up and talk to someone that wasn’t judging me or had an ulterior motive. I found it incredibly easy to talk to the doctor and explain my thoughts and feelings, now I know not everyone is the same and some find it harder than others but seeing the doctor is the best thing I have ever done she made me feel at ease and I trusted her I felt she understood me, I had never seen this particular doctor before and for the life of me I cant remember her bloody name lol but for me I just clicked with her and I will be eternally grateful for our first meeting she is the one that helped me on my 1st step to understanding what was wrong and not only that she made me realise it’s ok to be down upset and to have a cry once you’ve realised that as a man then and only then can you move on and try to combat your thoughts a feelings.

A long weekend

So what next I hear you ask well 1 person did lol I spent the Friday evening with my ex wife really down not wanting to speak, eat or do anything got an early night tried to sleep which was unsuccessful and thought I’ll be fine come the morning.

Saturday morning came and I was no better to be honest me and my ex wife put it down to me just being miserable. As usual on a Saturday morning we needed to do the fun and exciting job of food shopping at Morrison’s (just incase anyone wanted to know) walked down the stairs got into the car and drove the few miles to the shop but as I went to get out the car I all of a sudden became paranoid, which again was a new and very scary experience for me. We went into Morrison’s and it became quickly apparent that something was seriously wrong, I had an awful feeling that people were looking at me and talking about me I became very shakey and nervous and felt trapped I couldn’t understand what was happening I made a quick exit and got to my safe place of the car and waited for my ex wife, she at this point was needless to say a little annoyed as I disappeared in the middle of shopping, I still couldn’t understand or explain what was going on we were both at a complete loss. The afternoon went without complication and then there was Sunday.

Sunday morning started as usual got up chilled out for a bit then decided to pop over to see my mum and dad again I felt no different still very down and slightly nervous, we arrived at my parents house by this point my ex wife was really pissed off with me and to be fair I was with myself what was wrong? Why was I so miserable? We walked in my dad asked what was wrong and my wife said he just miserable and at that point that’s how I felt but for no reason.

The more I searched for a reason and an answer the worse I got it is the most frustrating thing to deal with I sat on the sofa for a few hours not doing anything and only talking when I really needed too.

That’s when my parents and my wife realised and understood that I was really ill and needed to seek help.

Don’t be afraid

Wow where do I start this is my first go at a blog and to be fair it may be rubbish but please give me a read and see what you think, I have no medical experience and can only write from personal experience.

Men and mental health what has and hasn’t been said I’ve heard it all in the past and to be honest up until about 9 years ago I would have said the same “man up” “toughen up” “suck it up and get on with it” but as you will know that is not the case I’ll give you some background on my story it may or may not help but if you take one thing from this please let it be the you are not alone.

9 years ago I finished a work meeting that was as usual incredibly boring on my way home I started feeling a little down i didn’t think anything else of it and sparked up yet another fag and carried on my drive home, nothing happened just a normal boring drive on a Friday got out early which is always a bonus, got back parked the car walked up the 3 flights of stairs walked in the door and burst into tears luckily my now ex wife (more on that at a later date) was there to comfort me and make sure I was alright the main problem and question was what was wrong? Why was I like this? What had happened? The issue was I had no idea I didn’t have any answers all I could say to my ex wife was I dont know, there’s nothing wrong I’m fine, I’ll be alright soon. How very very wrong I was my ex wife kept asking me what was wrong but that’s the problem with mental health sometimes you dont have the answers and I definitely didn’t that’s where my journey with mental health started.

I hope you enjoyed reading this I will post more blogs soon explaining my journey and if this help 1 person then thats amazing.